If your inner critic is more cutting and cruel than your enemies, you’re not alone. The pronouncements, critiques, and aspersions from our judging parts are heartbreaking. It’s easy to automatically want to push back, tell them to shut up, or hurl insults we hope will make them go away. As a counselor, however, I invite clients to resist the urge to fight and instead get curious about the true motives of these “bullies.”
Befriending your inner critic
- First, find compassion and curiosity for this part of you. Instead of assuming you understand the critic’s purpose, turn to the wisest part of you that feels open and interested in starting a dialogue.
- Next, learn how the critic got this job and the purpose of the role. When did she take on the role of chastising and berating you? What’s the positive intention fueling her? (Hint: it will be something protective.)
- Then get curious about the critic’s fears. What is he afraid will happen if he stops doing this job? If he was furloughed, what pitfalls would await you? (Again, look for dire consequences the critic is working hard to prevent.)
- Offer understanding, and perhaps even gratitude, for the protective role your critic has taken on (and has probably done for some time). Let it know you now get why it’s doing this job and reassure it that you’re here to help.
- Finally, once you’ve conveyed your appreciation, and the critic is feeling understood, ask what it would rather do if it’s finding this role exhausting or burdensome. Remind the critic that you’re a competent adult who will look out for yourself and the vulnerable parts of you that the critic has been safeguarding.
The harsh inner voice we have is often feared or despised. When we slow down and get curious, we often learn that it’s a steadfast servant, working hard to shield young and hurting parts of us from further harm. And by befriending this judge, instead of fighting it, we can bring valuable healing to our whole internal family.
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