Tips for handling your child’s “tantrum”

In the first two posts of this series I shared conscious reframes for “meltdowns” and outlined reasons that can lead our kiddos to have a “tantrum.” Now it’s time to give you specific actions you can take to help everyone weather the storm.

• Calm yourself first. The purpose of this step is to decrease your own fight energy (which it’s totally normal to feel). Big behaviors in our kids often provokes our own feelings of embarrassment, defensiveness, confusion and even fear. Things you might do include taking several deep breaths (slower on the exhale), repeating a mantra (“this isn’t an emergency”), placing your hand on your chest over your heart, or reminding yourself that your child is having a hard time. This first step is critical because it helps you be in the right mental space to actually support your child and it energetically signals safety to your child’s revved up nervous system.
• Remove any pressure you can. This might mean leaving the room (if it’s safe to do so) and letting go of any demands for your child to “snap out of it.” If there are other supportive people present, you might ask for their help whether this means caring for another child, tending to food cooking on the stove, or taking over a phone call you were making when the “meltdown” started.
• Give your supportive presence. Once you feel calmer, and have taken steps to relax the environment, it’s time to focus on your child. Knowing what your child needs may take some experimentation, so see which of these actions work best for your family. Speak some words of empathy or understanding — “it’s so hard right now,” “you really wanted to stay and play,” or “you’re feeling sad.” Provide comfort through a gentle touch, by sitting quietly nearby, or addressing a potential source of the “pain” (getting your child the stuffed animal they threw or giving them a sippy cup of water). Gently and calmly provide safety (if your child is hurting themself or others) but don’t restrain your child if everyone is safe. Whatever you do, the real emphasis here is to create a setting in which your child can safely express their emotions and return to calm once the feelings have passed (which they will).
• Briefly process what happened (and teach new behaviors if needed.) Once your child is back in a regulated state, it’s sometimes useful to verbally recap what happened and show that they’re still loved — “You felt really disappointed when mom said ‘no’ to getting ice cream. That’s so hard. I have crackers and raisins would you like a handful of these now.” Depending on what preceded the “meltdown,” this can also be a time to help expand your options for the next time you and your child are in a similar situation. “It’s really hard when there are so many kids at the park and we have to wait a long time to use the swings. Do you want to stay at the playground and wait when it’s crowded or should we bring toys so we can play together in the park instead?”