Listen . . . your relationship will be better off

While most of us tend to think we’re good listeners, the research doesn’t tend to bear that out. Plus we live in an action-oriented culture that commonly puts a focus on speaking rather than on listening which can seem passive. Finally, even if we’ve had communication-skills training, many of these classes focus on delivering information, not receiving it.

Regardless of the challenges in your relationship, listening is one practical skill that’s likely to help you improve the problem. Whether your partner has been feeling frustrated or unheard, or you keep having a recurring conversation, strengthening your listening skills will help you.

Below are three specific ways you can change how you listen and create deeper understanding and openness in your relationship.

1. Listen with accepting curiosity. This looks like being genuinely interested in what your partner has to say. If they’re taking the time to share something with you, they’re showing how deeply they value YOU knowing about their life. To continue to hold that place of esteemed listener, you must greet their sharing with acceptance and interest. Curiosity is demonstrated with open questions and reflections–”I hear how frustrating you found your boss today. Is there more you’d like me to know?” or “It seems like you felt really surprised by their reaction. How did you respond?”
2. Listen with the heart of one who wants to understand. While asking questions may be too invasive in some conversations, you can still invite further revelation with a simple, “tell me more” to show that you are actually wanting to “get” what they’re telling you. When a partner is reluctant or not yet ready to share, you can honor their timing and keep the door open to future conversations. “I’d really like to know more, so if you want to talk later, I’m here,” may be all you need to say to invite them back to your side. Or maybe even offer an acknowledgment of what you notice as you affirm your readiness: “It sounds like there’s a lot you want to say, yet things feel too jumbled up to do it now. Is it okay for me to check in with you later and see if you’re ready to share?”
3. Ask what they want you to do or provide while listening. Most of us unwittingly offer others our opinions or what we think they need or what we ourselves want in conversation. If your spouse is recounting a difficult event from their work day and you tend to be a “fixer” or “teacher,” a great first step is to simply notice your impulse to offer a suggestion or a solution. Instead of jumping in with your perspective, at a natural pause in the conversation you might ask, “Do you want me to simply hold space to listen, or do you want my input on the situation?” Instead of assuming you know why they’ve specifically decided to share their thoughts with you, get clarification from them.

So remember, if you want to help your relationship, becoming a better listener is a great place to start. Use the tips above to slow down to listen with greater acceptance, curiosity, and care, and better address your partner’s needs when you take the role of listener.