The Myth of Happily Ever After

As a therapist working with couples, I notice that many couples have a belief that if they’re doing the “right” things or they’re in the “right” relationship, they’ll always be happy.

Despite the greeting cards that would say otherwise, “happily ever after” is a myth and can easily leave couples feeling:

• inadequate to meet the challenges of married or partnered life
• broken or otherwise to blame for the natural ebbs and flows of connection
• resentful of or dissatisfied with their partner
• eager to give up when things aren’t easy, passionate, smooth, and problem free

Moving in a positive direction

Instead of striving for perfection (which doesn’t exist in real life, no matter what mainstream media or curated social media posts want you to believe), I invite couples to use times of dis-harmony and disagreement to course correct, like a sailor adjusts to new conditions on the water. At such times instead of fearing all is doomed, look for signs of growth or hope.

• Look for what you are doing differently in this argument or moment of disconnection. Is what you’re doing helpful in some way? Is it changing patterns that you’re hoping to leave behind?
• Identify a skill or behavior that you’re getting the chance to develop. If your partner’s avoidance used to leave you feeling panicked, but you’re now able to stay calm for longer, you are experiencing an improvement in mood.
• Notice or name the outdated, unhelpful, or inauthentic ways of reacting that you’re doing less frequently. Perhaps you yelled or name called in past arguments, but now you rarely do. Or maybe your old habit was to feel intense guilt, but you notice that now you can see both you and your partner’s actions with more objectivity and compassion.
• Pay attention to changing stories you tell yourself about the situation. Is “He never compliments me,” shifting to “I wish he would have complimented my looks today?” Or perhaps you used to think “They’re always so critical,” but now find yourself thinking, “They seemed really critical at dinner, I wonder what’s up.” 
• Celebrate changes that are moving in the direction of your ideal. If you used to avoid talking for the entire day after an argument but now you come back together to discuss what happened a few hours later, you’ve made a healthy change.

Is happiness important in our relationships? Undoubtedly.

Is more consistent connection a reasonable goal? I believe so.

Is not being happy or still having times of unhappiness, disconnection, and conflict a sign that your relationship is doomed? Not in my book. Let these times inspire you to make changes or keep working to exchange less helpful habits and patterns for ones that lead to smoother sailing . . . more of the time.