When I became a mama, it was more blissful than I had even imagined. I was so in love with my daughter and so grateful to get to be her parent. Early on, however, I had a huge shift in how I thought about parenthood. Before I had my daughter, part of what so excited me about parenting was the thought that being a parent was a means for having a deep and long-lasting affect on another person. In other words, as a mom I saw myself as the sculptor and my child as my clay.
What I’ve come to realize is that while I do have a deeply-felt affect on my daughter’s life, her impact on me is as powerful . . . if I allow her to be my spiritual guide. To me I’ve now found my inspiration as a parent – to become my more authentic self and to nurture my daughter’s authentic self as partner learner-teachers. It is my desire to support other mamas who similarly want to heal and grow themselves while simultaneously fostering the healthy development of their child(ren).
Many Wrong Steps
On my path toward becoming the mama I want to be, I have experienced deep pain and guilt. Even with my undeniable love for my daughter, I found myself saying and doing things that were absolutely not how I wanted to behave. I froze in moments of high stress, losing my creative abilities and automatically repeated hurtful scenarios I had experienced as a child. Afterwards I felt overwhelming sadness and shame for my seeming inability to be the mama I knew I was capable of being.
Thankfully I was long committed to my own transformation, so I kept learning. Continuing my pre-parent habit of reading and taking classes, I searched for books and classes that resonated with my Spirit. Attachment Parenting. Elimination Communication. Baby-Led Weaning. The Continuum Concept. I wanted to honor my daughter’s sovereignty as well as my own. I wanted to be in harmony with one another, making neither person “better” nor their needs “more important.” I wanted my daughter to remain as whole as possible while helping her live in our world. I wanted her to be spiritually equipped for being authentically, powerfully, and effectively herself for her whole life. I wanted to heal my own early wounds and not pass on unhealthy or hurtful beliefs and habits.
“Our children come to us so we may recognize our psychic wounds and call up the courage to transcend the limitations these wounds place on us. As we uncover the ways in which our past drives us, we gradually become capable of parenting consciously. Until then, try as we may to bring awareness to the way we parent, unconsciousness seeps into our interactions with our children at the least provocation.”~ Shefali Tsabary
I began to be more steady and consistent in parenting in the loving and conscious way I’d committed to when my husband and I wrote our parenting vows to our daughter. Though I still felt uncertain at times or missed my mark at other times, I felt more peace in my role as mama and experienced less struggle with my daughter.
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