Fear, by design, elicits quick, automatic reactions. We don’t truly think about our action, we just do it. In my experience this is also true for other fear-related emotions: anger, jealousy, envy, hatred, resentment. Here’s an example. If one of our ancient ancestors was caught unarmed and unaware by a large feline predator, she needed to have an automatic reaction to have any chance of making it away from that encounter alive. She may have done something creative, but it was done in a reflexive manner.

“The enemy of a good decision is fear — fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of making a mistake.”

~ James Waldroop

Higher level wants, or what many of you identified as values (being of service, being a contribution, pleasure), use our brain’s creative centers to come up with conscious, thoughtful responses. We actually can respond from a thoughtful place rather than having a knee-jerk reaction. Using a similar example from above: if a tribe of our ancestors kept having run-ins with big cats, they might call a council meeting to discuss their options and creatively devise some systems for dealing with this reality. Because they’re outside of immediate danger and therefore not reacting completely out of fear, they can access their creativity, resourcefulness, and higher thinking skills to make their decisions.

The difference in fear-based and love-based decisions

Let’s use a common example of overcommiting oneself (let’s see our imaginary person as a woman).

Scenario A: Someone makes a request of her (i.e., to take an important role in planning an exciting event). She is triggered by fear-based beliefs of needing to please them by saying “yes” and prove that she could do a stellar job with this project. She says “yes” right away and may notice signs of overcommittment (exhaustion, worry, being driven, etc.) later.

Scenario B: Someone makes a request of her (say to take an important role in planning an exciting event). She is still triggered by those fears, yet she does two things before giving an answer:

1. She’s built a safety mechanism into the equation (putting a 24 hour hold on any commitments of this nature) to give her the time to access her creative mind.
2. She takes the time to look at her true wants as they relate to this situation. Let’s say she decides that most deeply, she wants to make a contribution. Taking that knowledge she can explore what is the best way she can make her contribution and see if it’s a fit with her life. For instance, she might meditate or journal creatively about what her contribution could look like, letting her heart and the universe give her guidance in the process. Then she still will want to let her rational mind come in and give its input too (Does she have the time? What’s feasible for her to offer? Does she like the people she’d be working with? If this commitment conflicts with another how will she decide what to do?). Her decision, even if it’s “yes” just like in Scenario A, is arrived at from a clearer space, a space in which she consciously chose her action, and decided from a place of love rather than reacting out of fear that she “has to” act in a certain way.

Summary:

Using this process does not guarantee that you won’t over commit (or make other decisions out of fear). It is simply a way to interrupt the automatic, fear-based behaviors that can cause us to make choices that may not truly be a fit for us.

“Make decisions based on trust, not fear.”

~ Anonymous

“When we regain our spirituality, we will again learn to laugh from our hearts and play because “those who know how to play can easily leap over the adversaries of life. And one who knows how to sing and laugh never brews mischief.”

~ Angayuqaq Oscar Kawagley with quote from an Iglulik Proverb

In “How Negative Emotions Impact our Moods,” retreat coach Judith Geiger writes about how her African Grey Parrot started becoming irritable and mean after being in a room daily with a TV tuned to cartoons. (And we’re perplexed when kids are cranky and cantankerous after a cartoon binge.) I’m not surprised. In fact, I think that one of the greatest challenges of our times is to create soul-nurturing environments. . . places and spaces in which we’re free of “modern conveniences,” unhooked from our hectic schedules, and allowed–or, more correctly, we allow ourselves–to simply BE.

Is your soul suffocating or soaring?

Most people I know live in hurry-scurry suburbia. They’re deluged by the drone of TVs, radios, and even modern appliances. Conversations and concentration are regularly interrupted by ringing cell phones, vibrating Blackberrys, and instant messages flashing across their computer screens. Rather than having the chance to soak in our surroundings, we’re more often assaulted by the environments in which we’re choosing to live.

“Downtime is where we become ourselves, looking into the middle distance, kicking at the curb, lying on the grass or sitting on the stoop and staring at the tedious blue of the summer sky. I don’t believe you can write poetry, or compose music, or become an actor without downtime, and plenty of it, a hiatus that passes for boredom but is really the quiet moving of the wheels inside that fuel creativity.”

~ Anna Quindlen

In the first chapter of my book, Live the Life You’ve Imagined, I write about ways in which you can “awaken your spirit.” Specifically this chapter presents 10 specific strategies for reintroducing spiritually-nurturing energy back into your life. Four ideas which I think are of particular relevance to creating soul-nurturing environments are below.

• Live in healthy environments. Like Judith learned from her parrot, the environments in which we spend our time impact our state of mind and our emotional mood. Begin to notice which environments (places, people, energies) support you and which leave you feeling drained, despairing, depressed, or disconnected. Then start choosing nurturing spaces and eliminating the unhealthy environments from your life.
• Be nurtured by nature. We are animals and we are part of the natural world, even if many of us think of outdoors as “foreign territory.” Put yourself back in nature and take a break from human-made-habitats. Bring more nature into your regular environments (plants, flowers, pictures of beautiful environs, music of birdsong, forest sounds, or ocean waves). Find ways to reconnect yourself with your wild, untamed roots.
• Get quiet. Though I do mean “quiet” in the sense of blocking out outside sources of auditory bombardment, I also am referring to a silencing of the near constant chatter coming from our critical minds. It’s imperative that we find ways to lower the volume of the messages being foisted upon us 24-7, 365, so take the time to learn what methods of silence-making work best for you.
• Have a haven. Though I’m fortunate to live and work in a wonderfully nurturing environment, it’s still invaluable to have special places I can go for even more soul satisfaction. Find retreat centers, parks, and cozy bookstore corners where you can go to when you need sanctuary for your soul. Then, once you know the places to go, make sure you make your visits regular respites rather than merely Septennial sojourns.

Remember, if it’s important for a African Grey Parrot to have a healthy environment, it’s good enough for you too!

If you don’t know anything about stocks, bonds, T-bills, or IRAs, don’t worry. You don’t have to be financially savvy to make great investments. While the investment ideas below may not get you an early retirement, I’m confident that they’ll make your life richer and more enjoyable right now. If you’re not already investing in these five areas, I’d suggest you start today.

Health

Our bodies are the vessel in which we travel during this lifetime. We can’t trade ourselves in or get a new model when we wear this body out. So instead of filling up on junk food, sitting away the days, or neglecting to maintain your good health, choose healthful, natural foods, enjoy plenty of physical activity, and regularly look after your physical needs. Investing in your body is the wise and delightful way to go.

Love

This investment is one that naturally replicates itself. When you give love, you get love (it’s not always returned by who you give it to, but it does come back to you). Love is also one way you can immediately enrich your life, because being loving makes you feel loveable. It is a game you can play alone and it’s also a game without losers—where love is, everyone wins.

“Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible – it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to evolve you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.”

Barbara De Angelis

Gratitude

If you want to feel rich, be thankful for the blessings in your life. The gifts of your life are boundless and varied. When we take large gifts, like good health, for granted, small ones, like a warm smile from a stranger, don’t even penetrate our consciousness. Invest in gratitude by paying attention to the gifts you’re given, and you’ll start discovering treasures that you’d never noticed before.

Positive attitude

A proverb reminds us that if we fall down six times, we should get up seven times. This resilience is a key investment to make in life. We all get dealt cards that we sometimes want to give back, yet the only power we have is to choose how to be with the cards we have. When you invest in a positive attitude, you open yourself up to possibility and give “bad” cards the room to become “good” opportunities, and maybe even “great” gifts.

“If more people really pondered how much is enough in their lives, perhaps there would be a lot more truly satisfied folks in this world.”

Linda S. Anderson

Forgiveness

This investment is one that many people hesitate to take, thinking it’s risky, foolish, or unwarranted. Somewhere we’ve gotten the notion that forgiveness is mainly about the other person, when it’s really about us. When we forgive another, we release ourselves from past hurt, anger, or fear, thus freeing ourselves to move on to other things in life. While it may take a bit of practice, once you get on the forgiveness track, you’ll want to make it a regular part of your personal investment strategy.

I wrote this for my client newsletter back in August of 2002 with the following introduction. “Here in the United States, for much of the summer, the talk in the news has centered on the lagging economy, corporate corruption, and falling stock prices.” I find this a potent reminder that by living like we’ve been living we’ve created more of the same stuff that doesn’t work. Are you ready to create something new and better?

Below are six ways for you to cultivate love. You don’t have to hoard them for holiday use. They’re great for everyday wear and share. Some focus more on giving love, some more on receiving love. Regardless, they are simple techniques that you can use to create an atmosphere where love flows freely and abundantly. Love is a gift that blesses both the giver and receiver and it’s always in need. Instead of adding to life’s clutter this holiday season, give the gift of love. I promise it will last longer and be more appreciated than all the neckties, socks, and scented candles you could give instead.

Gaze into someone’s eyes

It’s said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Instead of just looking at your husband or glancing at your child now and then, take time to sit close and truly look for their soul by focusing on their eyes. Eye contact, especially sustained and up close gazing, is a sign of intimacy. It’s how we connect with another person heart to heart. If you don’t have a person with whom you feel particularly intimate, you can even gaze into your own eyes. If you let yourself truly “see” into your eyes, I’m confident you’ll come away from the experience with a new picture of who you are deep down inside.

“Life is an opportunity to contribute love in your own way.”

~ Bernie Siegal, MD

Really hear what’s being said

Sometimes we’re so busy with our own lives or consumed with our own thoughts that we listen only partially to what’s being said. When you’re in a conversation with someone, focus yourself entirely on them. Listen to their words and notice the rhythm and intensity of their speech. Watch their body and sense their energy. Use your intuition to feel unspoken information that they’re communicating. By attending fully to them and the different ways in which they’re communicating, you’re much more apt to actually “get” what they’re trying to tell you. When you “listen” in this way, the person doing the talking truly feels heard.

Soak up compliments

For many people, it can be difficult to truly let a compliment in. Some people deflect them — “Oh, it’s nothing, really.” Others minimize them — “Anyone would have done it.” Still others only let them part way in — “Thanks (quickly said and subject changed). The dessert you made was delicious too.” Regardless of our old habits, it’s time to start letting ourselves be acknowledged for who we are and what we bring to this world. Next time someone gives you a compliment or acknowledges you in some way, take a couple of deep breaths and let their words sink in. Then smile and thank them. They’ve really seen you at a deeper level and they appreciate you. When you feel that same appreciation for yourself, you’ve let that compliment in completely.

Let someone know how you love them

Saying, “I love you” is a wonderful gift. It’s gratifying to know that people appreciate our presence in their lives. What’s even more rewarding is to know what about us is loved. Let your friends and family know what makes them dear to you. Affirm their unique impact on your life. Tell them what you adore about them, how you see them and how you feel when you’re with them (or even thinking of them). Such specific acknowledgements can help someone realize their own worth or even remind them of their inherent gifts. Being this kind of mirror for someone you love is a gift seldom given yet sorely needed, plus it doesn’t require batteries.

Allow others to give to you

Most people think they do this easily and readily. Guess what? They don’t. Allowing others to give to you means you don’t try to persuade them not to give. Even if you don’t need anything in the material sense, you can permit someone to give you their undivided attention or treat you to lunch at a favorite restaurant. It also means that you accept their gift with gratitude. Sure, the gifts they offer might not suit your tastes, yet you can still honor their gesture, intention, and spirit of generosity even if you trade in what they’ve given.

Be 100% present

We are so often multi-tasking or simply scattered in our attentions that a truly unique gift can be spending time with someone in a way that you are fully attentive in your time together. Choose a time and place that will make it easy for you and your recipient to be focused on each other. Arrange your schedule so that during this time you’ll be distraction free (i.e., turn off your cell phone, don’t answer the doorbell, turn off the television or the computer, pick a quiet location at which you’ll meet, etc.). Leave any agenda at the door so you can be spontaneous and go with the conversational flow. Dedicated attentiveness is like a spa treatment for the emotions. The person you’re with is going to feel pampered and delighted to have had you all to themselves.

“Love will enter immediately into any mind that truly wants it, but it must want it truly. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

~ A Course in Miracles