Can you imagine being part of a community that experienced a shocking tragedy? Can you fathom the emotions you would feel knowing that one person was the perpetrator of the events? Now, can you see yourself including this person in a memorial to the victims of the violence?

Back in the spring of 2007,  one courageous Virginia Tech student took this rare step of honoring the gunman who killed 32 others and wounded 25 at the school before committing suicide. Katelynn Johnson, a senior sociology-psychology major, added a stone to represent the gunman in a memorial for those who died during the April 16 rampage.

“My family did not raise me to do what is popular. They raised me to do what is morally right.”

~ Katelynn Johnson

As reported by the Associated Press, Johnson wrote a letter to the Collegiate Times as the person who placed a stone in the memorial for Cho (the gunman). She wrote, “My family did not raise me to do what is popular. They raised me to do what is morally right. We did not lose only 32 students and faculty members that day; we lost 33 lives.”

“Cowardice asks the question—is it safe? Expediency asks the question—is it politic? Vanity asks the question—is it popular? But conscience asks the question—is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular; but one must take it because it is right.”

~ Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’m grateful to Ms. Johnson for standing apart from others who took the popular and safe paths. Though I cannot grasp what could have led Cho to do what he did, my soul knows that he too suffered. I believe that when we choose to omit the perpetrators of violence from our prayers we lose part of our humanity. We all commit acts of violence in our lives–whether in harshly uttered words, righteous judgments, tightly-held resentments, or withdrawal of our love and support. While I know many would argue with me that these “minor” acts have no comparison to outright murder and physical violence, I disagree. There may be differing levels, yet an unloving act is an unloving act, no matter it’s size or scope.

For us to create a different world than that which we’ve brought into being today, we must forgo the popular and the safe route. We must believe, speak, and act out of love. . . no matter how irrational that love may seem. We must have the courage to be moral leaders, like Ms. Johnson chose to do. We must choose to follow our better nature, that part of ourselves that knows that no matter what it may look like on the surface, we are one. We must see that even in our pain, our judgment, our confusion, or our fear, we can choose a higher road. For it is this road of love, courage, compassion, and truth that will lead us to a new tomorrow, toward a peaceful, mutually-beneficial co-existence that we’ve been yearning for since we came into this world.

“We can do fifty things at once and ‘save time,’ but is multitasking mania really an effective long-term survival response? As I stand in my kitchen in the midst of chaos, can I hear the fear in my mother’s voice when she expresses concerns about paying for her heating bill? Can I read my client’s e-mail well enough to recognize the faulty logic he’s applied to the new project? Can I sense my teenager’s anxiety about going to a late-night party where peer pressure is dangerously intense? I can see what I’ve accomplished on my to-do-list, but can I see what I’m missing in my overstimulated state?

~Mary LoVerde, in I Used to Have a Handle on Life But It Broke

I am confident in my belief that most of us will multitask some, no matter how many times we’re told it’s not good or effective. We’ve conditioned ourselves–or we’ve been culturally conditioned–to think that doing just one thing at a time is old-fashioned and unproductive. However, I am simultaneously hopeful that many of us will also take significant steps to rein in our habits of doing many things at once because it’s not what creates the quality of life for which most of us yearn.

Multitasking robs us of the precious moments of our lives because we’re not present in the moment when we’re doing more than one thing at a time. No one ever thinks to themselves, “Man, I bet I would enjoy love-making more if I could watch my favorite TV show at the same time,” or “It would be much more rewarding to pay bills while eating dinner with my kids.” The reason we don’t say those things is because we know that multitasking keeps us from truly experiencing the moment we’re in. . .and that it prevents us from truly connecting with those sharing the moments with us.

“Conducting a symphony while using a Blackberry will result in doing both poorly. Nothing worthwhile can be done well while simultaneously conducting another task. Thus, whenever we multitask, we are choosing to be mediocre.”

~ Lance Secretan, Multitasking and the Decline of Brilliance

So, I encourage you–and remind myself–to get off the multitasking mule train and reclaim your power to be deliberate and focused. (If you have difficulty narrowing your attention, check out my “Bye bye busyness” article for tips on how to simplify your life and shorten your “to do” list.) Be proud of your ability to do one thing at a time with love, attention, intention, and steadfastness. You’ll still get plenty done. . .and you’ll notice plenty of payoffs that multitaskers only dream of.

For most women, serving is a natural tendency and something that gives us pleasure and adds meaning to our lives. What many of us learned however, is sacrifice, not true service. Half a century after the June Cleaver model was popular, girls are still frequently getting a message that says females should give to others first, not make a ruckus, and present an image of flawlessness in our work and personal lives. Grown women playing out this advice to be people-pleasing and perfect, create stress in their lives and sometimes find that they’re living for a set of standards that have little meaning to them.

Self-service fosters service to others

If women truly want to serve — and I believe we do — one of our first steps needs to be to reduce our tendency to give ourselves up while giving to others. Our belief systems tend to say that it’s “selfish” to put ourselves first, but that’s simply not true. Women who neglect themselves — by eating poorly, rarely exercising, and missing out on needed sleep, for instance — diminish their capacity to fully give to others, shortchanging both themselves and those they serve in the process. Eventually this false or fear-based servitude plays out in attitudes that wear the name of “victim” or “martyr” and we end up resenting the people we’ve been determined to serve.

Healthy service is about being first a loving servant to your own needs. It doesn’t require self-obsession or self-centeredness — these are in fact often the slingshot behaviors that we can get into after sacrificing too much — but does call on us to make sure we’re up near the top of our own priority list. We must take time for ourselves. If you’re scared or can’t see how you can possibly fit it into an already jam-packed day, start with 10 minutes devoted to yourself (5 in the morning, 5 at night). Spend 600 seconds today focused on caring for yourself with the same love, attentiveness, and compassion that you so easily and naturally extend to others. Direct your serving heart inward and nurture the woman who so needs a regular dose of love and caring.

Self-service is honorable and necessary. It keeps us happier, healthier, and more connected to our inner divinity. Begin to make self-service a habit. You’ll not only be giving to yourself and making you a more joyful servant to others, you’ll be showing today’s young girls that they don’t need to sacrifice themselves to give the love that so naturally flows from their hearts.

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”

~ Goethe

I’m not normally a fan of expectations. I believe they generally get in the way of us loving ourselves, loving others, and enjoying life. They chain us to results that “must” be accomplished lest we lose our sense of worth, power, or “rightness.” Here are a few examples.

• Personal expectations: “I should weigh less, have more money, have achieved more, etc.”
• Expectations we have of others: “If he loved me he would never raise his voice, always meet my needs, respect my choices, etc.”
• Expectations about life: “Life is hard. No one else will look out for me. War is inevitable.”

Today, however, I’m taking a different stand. Expectations are good AND we benefit by living up to them!*

Back in 2006, I participated in a racial awareness program called Building Bridges. One evening after the program, the idea struck me that blacks expect more of our country (the US) than we whites (generally speaking of course). In this case I think blacks are expressing an *aspirational expectation — a desire to see a certain result — rather than an expectation of demand — an unwavering belief that the result must occur. This aspirational expectation is healthy and productive because it’s inviting our nation to be more than we might if the expectation didn’t exist. It’s as if the blacks are saying, “I believe in you USA. I see your potential. I know you can live up to your ideals. I’m here to help you be the best country you can.” They want to see this nation evolve and their expectation is calling us all to step up to the opportunity and see what we can do.

Get more without being demanding

1. Take a look at your life and the expectations you have (of yourself, others, your employer, your country, etc.).
2. Classify your expectations as either aspirational or demanding.
• Aspirational expectation — A strong desire to draw out the best capabilities within oneself or another. A belief in the possibility of greatness. We’re inspired to live up to it and when we fall short we seek our lessons so we can make another attempt.
• Demanding expectation — An emphatic requirement to be or do specific things. Any result “less than” the expectation is viewed as failure and we often translate this into reduced worth (of self or other). These expectations weigh heavy on us as we often drive ourselves to meet them.
3. Take action to shift each demanding expectation to an aspirational one or drop the demanding expectations all together.

Are you willing to play? I’d like to know your experience, your questions, and your own ideas on this subject.